May 15th 2018 – a night I’ll never forget. It was on this faithful night, that I launched my second book, Life After Joy: A Prisoner No More. It was such an amazing night, all thanks to the incredible people who attended. But literally minutes before it began, I was convinced it was going to be a ‘bit of a flop.’
I couldn’t sleep the night before … how could I? Yes, launching my new book was weighing heavily on my mind, but I was more anxious about the fact that I was about to meet (in person), a big bunch of people for the very first time! I suppose you could christen this launch the “Social Media” launch, as the majority of those in attendance were people I have met through Facebook and Instagram over the last year or so. These people all reached out to me after completing my first book, Joys Of Joy, Finding Myself In An Irish Prison, and I have struck-up some incredible friendships as a result, but I had never actually met these wonderful people in person. My mind raced with worries of failure … of letting people down. But I had nothing to worry about.
Myself and my rock, Antoinette, were out collecting a surprise birthday cake for Antoinette’s best friend, Jackie, which we intended to surprise Jackie with during the launch. This meant we were on the road early – and this is also when the messages started to arrive to my phone. “Sorry Gar…can’t make tonight…” / “Gary, something has come up and I won’t make tonight…” etc. From that early hour, right up until an hour or so before the launch kicked-off, it seemed that every time my phone beeped, it was another person cancelling. Don’t get me wrong, I completely understood – but my understanding was doing nothing to quell my nerves, which were beginning to reach dizzying heights. I was panicking inside. I felt the type of nerves one might experience on the night of ones 21st – dreading that the room would be empty, and that the only people in attendance would be your family and your partner … and they had to be there! But, again, I had nothing to worry about!
Myself and Antoinette were brought out for a bite to eat by my eldest brother Gerry and his wife Barbara. My beautiful and incredible mam, Lily, also joined us, along with Gerry and Barbara’s good friends, Jude and Anne. This coming together for food did wonders for me, as it distracted me from the endless beeps my phone was emitting … “So sorry Gar … can’t make tonight..” Antoinette could see the worry etched across my face. She pulls me to one side and does all she can to reassure me that everything would be okay. Did I listen? Of course I did. Did it help? Not in the slightest! But I love her so much for trying. What Antoinette did make me realise though, was I was being a negative nelly! Instead of focusing on the night being a complete flop, I should instead tell myself it was going to go well – so that’s just what I did. And almost instantly, things started to change.
In out of the rain, walks my nights MC, the incredible Niall Boylan (pictured above). Niall is an award-winning radio talk-show host on Classic Hits 4fm, and he is also a very close friend. He knew myself and my family would be in the bar across from the venue of the launch, so when he walked in and I saw him (feckin’ soaked to the skin from being caught in an unusual May shower), something inside me changed. We gave each other one of those ‘manly hugs.’ He asked was I okay, and I told him of my worries. “Feck it Gar – if only four people turn up, then make it a great night for those four,” he said to me. And he was right. Even my publisher echoed his view. Then, just as Niall was doing the rounds with my family, shaking hands and having chats, I look up and see Fitzer and his wife Ash walk in. I instantly feel my eyelids begin to fill with tears … and I get a funny feeling these tears may last a while! Myself and Fitzer met in prison and we embarked on one incredible journey together. He is the greatest friend I have ever had, and himself and his wife mean the absolute world to me. Fitzer instantly begins doing what he does best with me. He begins slagging the life out of me, whilst throwing the most caring eyes over me to ensure my nerves don’t defeat me.
Myself, Fitzer, Niall Boylan, and my brother Noel (who had just joined us), were in the middle of having a discussion about ‘all-things-prison’, when I look up and see a man I really didn’t expect to see … Conn! Conn was my IT teacher when I was incarcerated in Loughan House Open Prison. Himself and the Home Economics teacher, Mary, were two people who constantly encouraged my new-found passion for writing. In fact, they both pressed me to enter the “Listowel Writing In Prison Competition”, which I won … twice! I had invited both Conn and Mary to the launch, but with them having to travel over two hours just to get there, I really didn’t expect to see them. Added to that was the very sad news I had received from Conn, pertaining to his health. So, when I look over Fitzer’s shoulder and see, not only Conn walk in, but also his beautiful wife Jo, and Mary … well, let’s just say my make-up was feckin’ ruined!! Conn and Mary took me to one side, and just as it was back in Loughan House, they instilled in me the confidence to approach this night with my head held high. I love them both so much for that. I felt ready. I turn to all my family and friends and inform them that I am going to head across to the room of the launch to make sure everything is okay. I tell them to enjoy their drinks, and follow me when they are ready.
Right so … let’s do this!!
I walk sheepishly into the room of the launch, and it’s empty … completely empty, except for my publisher! We both look at each other and laugh. “Jaysis Boss”, I start, “I hope a least one or two more show up.” I let out a nervous laugh, and then explain how every beep from my phone confirms another cancellation. “Don’t worry Gary”, says David (my publisher) in his deep American twang, “we will have a great night no matter how many come. Try to relax.” “Relax? Are you off your bleedin’ head?”, was the response I felt myself giving him, but instead I try to crack a smile and simply nod my head. All of a sudden, I hear my name being called by a lady’s voice. I look up and see my friend, Siena, and instantly I am sobbing (*note – I will be “instantly sobbing” quite a fucking lot throughout this blog. So please … bear with me lol). Siena is currently battling a terrible illness, so I knew how hard it was for her to be there, but there she was, along with her stunning daughter, Mandy. I embraced Siena, and through an abundance of tears, I thanked her from the bottom of my heart. This wonderful moment is shattered by a gift Siena had brought for me. A gift so beautifully wrapped in multi-coloured, shiny wrapping paper. I was feckin’ mortified, as the last thing I expected was a feckin’ gift! Siena insisted I open this, rather large, gift immediately. So, as my face began turning different shades of embarrassment, I began ripping the wrapping paper, only to unveil two large boxes of Kleenex tissues!! Cheeky fecker! I loved it. I laughed so hard, and realised it was the first time, in a while, I had laughed that day. My outbursts of tears on a regular basis is always a source of ribbing and slagging for me … but I don’t mind in the slightest. In fact, I am very proud of the fact I cry (a lot), as I feel so strongly about being able to show your emotions whenever you feel you have to. We loose way to many young men and women in this Country to suicide, so I always try to champion the famous saying: It’s okay, not to be okay.
As myself, Siena and Mandy enjoy a laugh at my expense, I look up and see four young ladies walk in, and I almost stop breathing. These four incredible young women (pictured above) are part of a Youthreach project in Dundalk that I had been asked to give a talk to some time ago. I was so impressed by these young men and women, that I wrote about them in this new book, and also included a picture of myself with the entire group. Of course I had invited them all, but again, I thought the distance to be too far, and so I really didn’t expect to see them … yet, there stood these four young ladies. I nearly feckin’ died, and the pitch of the shrill that came from my vocal chords, almost shattered the empty wine glasses that were waiting to be filled. I thanked them, over and over again, but it was their reply that finished me off: “You were so good to us all when you came up to give us your talk. You made us all believe in ourselves, so we really wanted to be here to support you.” JESUS!! I actually had to head into the toilet to try to compose myself! Wow! And as I walked back out, as if by magic, the room began to fill. It was incredible. I turn to see my sister-in-law, Niamh, with her three sons (my nephews), Luke, Adam, and Dylan. I crumble. Directly behind them comes Niamh’s husband, my brother Jason. I crumble some more. I felt so safe when I saw Jason, Niamh and their boys. They gave me the strength I was clearly lacking.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Mr. Niall Boylan, and Miss Eilish O’Carroll…”
Instantly, I was plonked onto a chair, and I began signing copies of my book. Every time I looked up, I saw people I was meeting for the first time. Yes, we had interacted through social media, but now, these wonderful people were standing in front of me. My head felt like it was going to explode.
Before I knew it, Niall had taken to the podium to officially begin the night. He is such a professional when he needs to be, and the way he addressed the gathered was so impressive. But when he turned his attention to me, and to the friendship we both have, I was …. come on now, you already know the answers to this … that’s right … I was SOBBING! Although, at least this time I wasn’t the only one. Thank you so much man.
Niall then introduced my nights guest speaker, the stunningly beautiful (both inside and out), Eilish O’Carroll. I swear to you, this woman’s speech was just … perfect. She took the piss out of me (a lot), she brought laughter aplenty. She even gave Fitzer a mention and had him feeling a little embarrassed (which I secretly enjoyed immensely). But, just as it was with Niall, when Eilish turned her attention to me, to my new book, and to the friendship we both share today, I was floored. I couldn’t breathe at one stage. Her choice of words were mesmerising. She nailed the ‘message’ I am trying to convey with this new book. She brought the gathered on a wonderful journey through times we have both shared together. I just couldn’t believe it. I love this woman so much. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Eilish.
And then, as if to take the mickey out of me just a little bit more, Eilish called me up to give my speech. ‘Ohh.’ I thought, ‘how in the name of Jaysis, am I going to do this?!?
But I did it…
Well, that sentence above in bold isn’t 100% accurate. I certainly tried with all my might to give a rousing and positive speech, but every time I looked out at all the incredible people staring back at me, I found it hard to speak .. which can be a bit of a nightmare when it’s a speech you are trying to feckin’ give! I would see the face of another that I was meeting for the first time, and it would blow my mind. But I knuckled down, and somehow got myself through it … and I honestly couldn’t believe how well my speech was received. I was so nervous. I was in a considerable amount of pain, due to an ongoing health issue (*in fact, one of the people in attendance that night, was my Haematologist. I couldn’t believe that this wonderful lady had come). But I remember looking to my left, and seeing my brother Jason with two of his three sons standing there, and they gave me the strength I needed to proceed. I would then catch a glimpse of my two other brothers, Noel and Gerry – I would see my mam and Antoinette, Fitzer and Ash, and they all combined to help get me over the finish line. I brought my speech to an end by reading a chapter from my new book, and at its conclusion, I am again floored by the round of applause I received. And yes, I was feckin’ SOBBING!
The rest of the night was just … just … Jesus – I honestly cannot find a word to best describe it. I suppose I’ll settle for, perfect. Every single person that came, brought something different to the night, and each and every one of them sent me into orbit. And so, with my hand placed firmly on my heart, I want to thank each and every one of you that came (and those that sent messages saying they couldn’t come). You made this one of the most special nights of my life, and I love each and every one of you for that. And now we’ve met?? You’re stuck with me … forever!! muhahahahahahahaha!!!
Before I move onto day two, of the “most amazing week in my life…ever“, I need to explain who these two crackers are, in the picture above. On the left is the stunning Diana, and on the right is the greatest gift this life has given me, my beautiful friend Dee. It would take me an entire book to disclose how much Dee means to me, but its safe to say that I adore this woman (and Diana too). Dee is my ‘teacher’ (of sorts) and an incredible friend. These two amazing ladies came up on the train from Kerry that morning to be at the launch! I mean, come on!! But they also play a massive part in this blog … a part I am confident, will completely blow your mind!
Let me explain…
Day 2. The Dáil.
The morning after the launch, I was exhausted, and unfortunately I was also in a lot of pain and discomfort. But, lately, this is how everyday starts for me, so I refuse to let it prevent me from having a life. “If you want to, you’ll find a way. If you don’t want to, you’ll find an excuse.”
On this morning, I had been invited into The Dáil … so nothing was going to stop me. I was to meet Dee and Diana for coffee first, before we met up with a group I had the honour of being an honorary member of for the day. This group is a bunch of incredibly inspiring and amazing individuals from Kerry (*no Dubs jokes from yours truly today so), all of whom are winning their personal battles with addiction. Dee champions this group, and I felt so very honoured to be included on their trip around The Dáil. The name of this group? TEAM, which stands for Together Everyone Achieves More … brilliant!
I met with Dee and Diana for that coffee, and instantly Diana has a question for me.
*NB: THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IS REALLY IMPORTANT FOR THE “WOW” BIT AT THE END OF THIS BLOG … SO TRY TO REMEMBER THIS BIT. CHEERS 🙂
“Gary”, starts Diana in her beautiful Kerry accent, “have you any more copies of your book handy?” I have to admit I laughed … kinda in her face (which I know was very rude of me), but I do find it funny that sometimes people think I have a wardrobe full of copies of my books. “Nope, I’m afraid not .. why?”, I say. “Ahh, we were in such a muddle after leaving the launch last night, what with suitcases and what have ya. We made it to the bus stop, waited a few minutes for the bus to come, and when we got on it and I looked out the window, I see the brown paper bag with my two copies of your book, sitting on a window sill at the bus stop, just as the bus pulls away!” Diana let’s out a sigh, just as Dee picks up the story. “Ahh Gar. I said to her we can jump off at the next stop and go back for them, but we were exhausted. So we have gifted them to the universe.” Did ya now Dee? Hmmmmm….how very interesting.
Back to The Dáil…
The bus with all the TEAM members, pulls up outside the gates of The Dáil, and I am introduced to all the guys and girls that had made the trip .. and wow, did they make me feel welcome. The sunshine was washing the pavements outside The Dáil in its wondrous glow, and it aided us all in raising our spirits. You could actually feel the excitement as we made our way through metal scanners and friendly security staff. We were met by TD Ned O’Sullivan from Fianna Fáil who amazingly gave us his time in order to show us around this magnificent structure. We got to go into the house of parliament and watch as TD’s discussed the pressing issues Ireland faces on a daily basis. Mr. O’Sullivan then brought us into a room, and we were introduced to two completely incredible women, senator Lynn Ruane, and senator Frances Black (that’s me with Frances in the picture above. I am only kicking myself that I didn’t get a picture with Lynn). What I didn’t realise, was Ned, Lynn and Frances, have all battled (and I suppose are still battling) addiction. Each gave us an insight into their own hero’s journey, and I can tell you, it was one of the most powerful experiences of my life. As a nation, we can unfortunately feel very let down by our Government. We are not on our own, as I’m sure every Country the world over, feels the same about their particular leaders. But I urge those that are good enough to read this blog, to take the time and Google these three remarkable humans. To think that these three are our voice inside The Dáil, has encouraged my faith in politics. Thank you so much Ned, Lynn and Frances. You are such inspiring humans. Wow.
We were brought to a small cafe inside The Dáil, in order to have some sandwiches and coffee or tea. I am siting with Dee having a gossip, when I hear a TD mention my name to Diana, who was sitting next to me. This TD (I am embarrassed to say, I have forgotten his name) was explaining he had heard all about my two books, that very morning. He was wracking his brain, trying to remember if it was on the radio that he heard them being mentioned. Then, he suddenly gasps, “No … sorry, it was in the gym here in The Dáil that I heard about your books!” We all shared a little laugh – right up until he said who had told him all about my books. “It was Francis, our gym instructor.” I nearly passed out! I had only met Francis for the first time, the night before at my books launch. We both took part (separately) in a micro-documentary series entitled “The Inspire Series”, which was made for FlyeFit Gyms. This man is truly inspiring, as he too has faced his demons, and come out the other side thriving. I explain this to the TD, and we all share that “wow” moment.
The day was coming to a beautiful end, and as I said my goodbyes to all the TEAM members, and to Dee and Diana, I felt amazing. I was so honoured to be a part of this day. I say my goodbyes, and walk off singing a Dublin GAA song at the top of my voice, just to wind-up my new Kerry friends. I am almost at the end of Kildare Street, and I take one last look back at Dee. But as I do, I hear my name being shouted from a big, booming male voice. I turn to see …. FRANCIS THE GYM INSTRUCTOR, walking towards me! FUCKING HELL! “Here Gary”, starts Franics, “you’ll never guess what I did for ya this morning lad?” He had the most beaming smile and I felt a little guilty when I said, “You told a load of TD’s about my new book, while you were training them in the gym inside The Dáil.” “How the fuck did ya know that?” came his startled reply. “It’s a long story my good man … sit down there and I’ll tell ya”, says I.
Wow. What a day!
Day 3…The Midlands Prison…
I had no time to ponder on the amazing day I had spent in The Dáil, as I had to be up at the crack of dawn the next day. I had been invited into the Midlands Prison, in order to talk as part of their “Mental Health Week.” I was honoured. Myself and Antoinette were on the road from 7am, and it was perfect spending time with my beautiful partner … although my other ‘beautiful partner’, Fitzer (lol) did ring me as we made our way to this massive jail. I knew why he rang. He was making sure I was okay. He was being a friend.
And not only had I Fitzer in my corner, but Antoinette was also showing me a love that cannot be bought. I am only where I am today because of this beautiful woman, and I love her with all my heart.
We arrive at the gates of this intimidating structure. Annie instills in me the last bit of confidence I need. I kiss her goodbye and limp towards the gates (*I was in feckin’ agony lol). I am met by the beautiful Rachel who is the assistant psychologist in the Midlands prison, and she is also the lady who so kindly invited me to come and give a talk. I was nervous, but not nervous about entering the jail (although I did fret and wonder if they would let me back out!). I was nervous as I didn’t want to let-down any of the men who were good enough to come and hear what I had to say. But, as per-usual, I had nothing to worry about. I was welcomed so well by the prisoners. They all instantly made me feel at ease, and we ended up having one of the most moving, funny and thought-provoking discussions regarding mental health, sentence management, and life once you are released. It was incredible, and I actually think I came away with more than the prisoners did, though I do hope they got something out of what I had to say. An absolutely amazing day. Thank you so much to all involved.
Day 4 … The WOW moment….
As I bring this (wayyyyy too long) blog to a close, I find I am actually shaking a little as I begin to recount what happened to myself and my mam on Friday last. We always spend one day a week together, from early morning to late in the evening. We go out and have our breakfast, and then spend the rest of the day window shopping. And I swear to you, I love it. I love spending time with this magnificent lady. I love trying with all my might to include her in all the things that are currently happening in my life. She is my best friend and I adore her. So, having her there to witness this “wow” moment, was extra special.
We headed into Dublin’s bustling city centre. My mam had her eye on a top, so we wanted to see if they had her size in a branch of this store, in town. We were walking through The Ilaic shopping centre, when a young man sheepishly (and very respectfully) approached me. “Excuse me? Are you Gary that wrote the two books?”, he asked nervously. I couldn’t resist taking the piss. “Nope. Sorry man”, came my reply. My mam was like a little kid trying to hold in the laughter. “Ahh, sorry. You look really like him” says this young lad. “What’s his second name”, says I. “Gary, eh…Gary Johnstone, and the first book is called Joys Of Joy.” I smile. “Joys Of Joy? Did yer man Gary Cunningham not write that?” comes my cheeky reply. “Sorry…yes. That’s him”, says the young lad. “Yep”, I start, “that’s me!” I can see utter confusion take over this lads face, but soon we are all laughing. “Whats’ your name?” I ask. “Michael Cronin” says he. I instantly begin to well-up. “Michael, you sent me an email, about a year ago”, I stutter. “Wow, you remembered”, replies Michael. Remembered?? I’ll never forget it. I can tell from looking at Michael, that he is currently battling a disgusting illness. I can tell from the scars on his head, and the hair loss he is currently experiencing. And I will never forget when he sent me a mail almost a year ago. He told me in this mail, that my book gave him hope. And now? Here he is, standing in front of me. What a beautiful and very emotional moment. There wasn’t a dry eye between any of us. I have arranged to meet Michael soon for coffee. Wow.
But, believe it or not, that incredible moment is NOT the “wow” moment, as ten minutes later, this happened…
Myself and my mam are just about to leave a particular shop, after failing miserably to get the top she wanted, when my phone rings … it was Dee. I started singing a completely made-up song about her – really loudly – down the phone, much to the annoyance of my fellow shoppers! My mam takes the phone, and herself and Dee share a moment like they always do. It’s beautiful to watch. And speaking of watch, I looked at mine and realised we had to make a move. I take the phone back off Lily, and we head out onto an extremely busy Henry Street, which is beautifully bathed in glorious sunshine. I’m still yapping away to Dee on the phone, when all-of-a-sudden, a bloke comes right up into my face, and says, “Here! Are you Gary Cunningham who wrote them books?” I thought the fucker was going to start on me. I instantly protected ‘me ma’, and went into “ahhh shite….here we go”, mode! I had nothing to worry about. “Yeah, eh, that’s me man”, I say with a bit of a smile. Now…please remember…Dee is still on the phone and can hear everything.
“Yeah man, I loved your first book man”, starts my new friend, “but here, wait ’till ya hear this. I was waitin’ on me bus the other night … me bus home … and I turn around at the bus stop, and there’s this brown paper bag … WITH TWO COPIES OF YOUR NEW BOOK IN IT!!!”
JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!!! This completely random (really sound) fella, picks me out on an extremely busy Henry Street, and tells me he found the books, that belong to the friend of the person who is currently on the fucking phone to me … FROM KERRY!!! I can hear Dee gasp. Me? I was frozen. It was one of the most surreal moments in my life – and I enjoyed every second of it. Serendipity in all its wonder. I simply handed him my phone, with a look of complete bewilderment splashed across my face, and said, “the book belongs to the friend of the woman on that phone, and they live in Kerry.” This guy then plonks the biggest cherry on top of this fucking amazing cake. He says to Dee, “Yeah, I found your books, but I donated them to Pathways…….” PATHWAYS! An amazing organisation that does all it can to facilitate the re-integration of former prisoners! One of the very messages I am trying to “put out there” in this new book! YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS UP.
This happened right in front of myself and my mam. And we were rooted to the spot. This guy then hands me back the phone, and I tell Dee I’ll ring her back. He then says to me “I’m actually clean myself two years now thanks to Pathways, and I actually work for them.” This is enough for me to throw my arms around him and give him a hug, which thankfully, he didn’t think I was a complete gobshite for doing. “Man, we’d love you to come up to Pathways and give a talk. Can I have your number?” “Ab-so-fucking-lutely” comes my reply. I rang his number so he could save mine, we shook hands, and he walked away, not before congratulating me on the books, and wishing myself and my mam all the luck and happiness in the world. Myself and Lily just stood there … we said nothing … then I gave her a hug, and we headed home, our minds well and truly blown.
In the words of the immortal Jim Morrison: “This is the end…” (“thanks-be-ta-Jaysis”, says you)
So there you go. Now you see why, considering the feckin’ length of this blog, I couldn’t put this particular chapter of my life up on Facebook, like I’d usually do on a Monday … a Monday that I really hope is going great for you. Go easy on yourself, and trust in your abilities. Someone today would be completely lost without you. So make sure you are the best version of yourself that you can be. Believe in yourself … because you are really worth believing in.
And thank you so much for ………..
Look – thanks for absolutely everything. You all completely blow me away.
The universe huh? “Ask, Believe, Receive.”
Why not give it a go? See what happens.
Over and Under.
Gar 🙂
garcunnningham 